I have been in and between posting today like the whole day and I already wrote this post once and then I decided not to and here we are again another round- so let’s see if this makes it to the internet 😀 So indecisive- libra with hinch of Gemini in me (although I am way too university to believe these things but still use them daily :D)
Okay so to the issue. It was hard to decide where to start writing so I write the moment when we finished our last music video shootings. I was sitting at the back of the car and making jokes how I am going to cry the tears of happiness. I cry all the time you know when I am sad and when I am happy 😀 Somebody has forgot to shut down the pipeline.
Life has been smiling at me lately. Since 7 weeks or so- I haven’t had a single day that I have felt bored. I have been booked more places that I could ever imagine and this summer has been really treating me well.
In the beginning of the summer I thought my life is over (despite the fact that my friends, family, my tattoo artist, and even random taxi driver convinced me it is not) I really didn’t believe them. I talked shortly about the old trauma I have been carrying with me- and finally, something triggered it to be fully on re-experience so it was time to face it. To be honest I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to be on this planet anymore.
At the same time having one of the most mentally difficult times in my life (besides all these post-corona things- economics- you know the jazz-we are all here together) I had this thing on my table and I lost everything I loved. Past two years I had been building and living for someone- because I loved them to bits and I would gave them ANYTHING they wanted & do ANYTHING for them. And I did (babe was ready to get the full moon if needed from the sky or wait till the end of the time if needed- loved that person more that I have ever loved anything in the whole entire universe) – I gave so much of my freedom away and I made compromises in the places I didn’t feel comfortable at and I kinda lost myself in the process. Something that had never happened to me in any other relationships. But shit happens 😀
Nobody asked me to do that- I did it because I- myself wanted to and I thought that was love.
Nevertheless- back to this my personal Dante’s inferno- There I was. After two years I had managed to completely lose the sense of self- only the things that kept me the company for me was the thoughts of the old trauma that I felt like living all over again. And there I hecking was. Alone with these thoughts- the worst thing I could ever imagine. (although I wasn’t alone bc my amaziiiiiiing family and friends- but you get the thing u know)
Then life happened- as it always does. I tried to think day by day the things and for the first time in freaking years, I started to do things for myself. I treated myself the ways I truly deserve to be treated. For the first time I didn’t jump in a cycle of impulsive decisions, denial, and covering up things but I actually sat down and had a thought or two. Of course, I wasn’t on this journey alone- because I have amazing people around me. And of course, it wasn’t nice- it was quite horrendous from time to time.
I found myself in a bath at my friends place- who so kindly bought me my favorite champagne and flowers because he thought “I needed that“. I found myself crying on our dance studios sofa on one of my best friend’s shoulder when I really didn’t want to continue. I spoke to my taxi drivers. I spoke to make up artist. To my beauty lady. I spoke to my friends- to doctors- to my neighbour- to my family. I spoke and spoke so much that one day I understood that I am today willing to listen someone elses story. And I don’t want to or more importantly- I don’t need anymore speak about this trauma. I was done with it.
My heart has been heavy years. I have been suffering (like most of us) with these weird panic attacks that I didn’t find any reason. Shortly saying they have stopped completely. Once I understood that my body is giving me signals about the trauma was hidden that I experienced earlier. Those symptoms weren’t some black magic but they were the things that my body remembered- like sometimes not being able to breathe from the right side- my body tracked back to the moment I got the injury to my throat.
Past few years I could wake up in the middle of night sobbing myself out because I felt so anxious. Haven’t done that for a while either.
So then life started smiling at me. Although not wanting to be in this planet is absolutely the most horrendous thing ever and I really don’t want anyone to experience it- it gives you certain freedom at the same time. When literally not many things happen you start to live your life fullest. When somebody asks you to the party you say yes- because there were 0 dots given. When somebody wants to stay awake with you the whole night you don’t care because does it really matter tomorrow anymore. As a result you start to chill out.
I am extremely grateful today about all the projects I have been booked to. I am also so incredibly grateful for our dance ladies- my friends -my cute home and my job. I am grateful for the patience that the people around me have had with me- and all the kind words you have been saying to me. I swear to god I will never forget those things. I also know although you lose something you will get something new as a return. And love given away is never lost. So I have a lot of love still to pour <3. The standards are quite high though.