the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek ☽

Hello my dear internet friends,

This winter has hit me harder than probably any other winter before. I have been sick, slobby and sad most of my free time and I have just wanted to curl up to my bed to watch youtube videos the full day. The eternal darkness outside has not made it any easier.

It is really hard to point out with my finger what bothers me the most. But it seems like I sometimes carry the whole world problems into my shoulders without anyone asking me to do so. I have recently downgraded my living situations mainly because two reason. 1) because I want to travel, experience and spend more and 2) the ones out of my own will. I spent sometimes evenings making lists about how my dream apartment would look like. I never thought I will say this, but I really do miss my first apartment here in Tallinn. It was a bloody cute babe cave in 7th floor and I had the most beautiful view over the Tallinn.

I have been also spending so much less time in social media lately and more inside of my own mind. I have been binging third eye open youtube videos, talked with my friends and wrote journal. I have made lists of ideal situation on people around me and tried to think what could be the scenario that would make me happy.

I am currently in a bit challange life situation in the way that my personal life is not near what I dream it to be. I want to state here that my hobbies and professional life are just fine, but in my very personal leisure life something is lacking hard. And I am afraid that I know how I could make it better but I am just too afraid to do so.

Oh well- that felt like huge rock coming out of my chest. Somewhere along the lines of not writing and questions my existence I forgot how therapeutic it is to write and create.

There is still lot inside of me that I want to improve. Some of them me being too kind when I need to state my own justice and some of them being better in communication or more relaxed. That is why I will travel to Dominician Republic next week to clear my head a bit. It was really clear to me that I will travel this winter to somewhere, and I really wanted to go to Asia but I am really excited to see this place as well. It is better than I ever dreamed it to be. I was dreaming to have a love vacation somewhere in Asia, but now I got a vacation to Dominician Republic with a very loved friend which is a good option as well. And so I will enjoy it -and don’t let anyone take that happiness away from me.

And I hope from there on, I will see everything clearer.

And what I do still believe is that there will be someone somewhere who truly does understand me and can support me. As well as there will be things that will make me feel better, and I do know and believe that my hands will find them when the right moment comes. It is not maybe today, or even this year, but bloody hell, when it is, it is a sweet victory. We all deserve love and be loved. And I do know that mother nature and the universe knows that.

I love you loads.

Thank you for being my best internet friends,
Never stop being my best friends.

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