the controversy that is my power ☽

I was yesterday sitting in front of my kitchen table and having a discussion with somebody about one of our mutual acquaintance from years back, who is not in this planet anymore. I said that I really enjoyed her as a person and he continued that she was one of the most successfull first Finnish social media celebrities and still decide to take her own life -and why -she was basically living EVERY TEEN AGERS DREAM. I kept quiet for a while -partly because I contemplated how sad it was that she really didn’t know how precious she was to so many of us and partly because she was not living every teen agers dream. So that was what I said.

“She wasn’t living every girls dream” I said.
“Oh yes she was. I bet if you had this plate in front of you, you would enjoyed it really” he said.

I know what my dreams are and have been and what not. The last sentence made me very uncomfortable in the kitchen discussion and it flashbacked me so many younger-Tara memories. The same questions I was always contemplating back in the days.

Was there something wrong with me that I wasn’t driven with the fame and money? The same pattern that has been going around where people try to benefit from others and I just start to feel super uncomfortable in that point. I remember this one specific case, when I was in Greece as a young adult Tara with one of my friends. There was two bar owners who wanted to chat with us and offered us drinks. While they looked away, the friend of mine grabbed me from my hand and just pulled me away to go some better parties. I still this day feel so umcomfortable about that situation. They were nice people, why we needed to be such and assholes to them just to leave them without saying anything. A bad move, I would say.

Instead of saying that in front of the kitchen table I continued contemplating. On this time I thought a discussion I had few days ago, where someone was telling me how the way I look and the way I am inside does not match. “Usually the people who look like you are just- I am sorry to say- bitches, and you are not”. I have been hearing that my whole life.

And that has been earlier the biggest pain in my ass really. When I end up in limousines, or parties where people speak millions and gossips around how much ice they have on their wrist and what not, I can not involve in the discussion. Who bought what car and who was with who. Can you imagine if we all just put all our energy to something you really love and desire instead of gossiping about other people? we would be happier, I bet.

I can not relate when people speak about their blog visitor amounts or money they make. Don’t get me wrong- all of you are very precious to me and this is still my little nest a diary, if you wish. But it is not something to brag about. It is a blog. Not my whole world, even if it maybe sometimes seems so.

There is so much more in this world than the materia and money. Oh dollars, euros yenis make life easier A LOT. But it does not define me. Or puts me to place who I am. There is still the same TaraWho inside of me whether I have a million in my bank account or 25 euros. Still same. old. me.

But back to those v.i.p settings. Don’t get me wrong. I love nice and luxurious things, but it is not the reason I am alive. Nor it is my “teenage dream come true” in any way. Infact, I lived that phase already. Enterntainment industry is great. The feeling of queen is great. But oh man- with being a queen comes a lot that you do not see in the fancy pictures.

Being queen is nice but do you know what is nicer? being fully unapologetically yourself.

Around where I got my master’s degree I really decided I won’t be pleasing anyone anymore. I come as who I am, the controversial girl who looks out something that is not from inside. If it will shut some doors and let those be doors be closed in order to new doors to open.

The thing is- If you always try to be something you are not, you eventually end up in a situation where you are not happy in your life, and those people who want you to be in some way will die eventually and then you are now just miserable being something you are not happy with and then they are gone. But if you are just the way you feel comfortable and confident in, you will be accepted the people same vibe with you. Or that is atleast something I want to believe.

When I was younger I was always the left out. From a young age I was really hearing the same thing Destiny speaks up in that videoI linked in the end, how many guys fancied her and that made other girls hate her.

Relatable! I always remember this one time when my guy friend said that last night a girl told group of guys that “if you don’t stop speaking about Tara, I will leave”. An absurd, but true situation. I am happy to say nowadays I have room to choose the intelligent, other embracing and couraging people and to be honest- I am pretty lucky to have such amazing people around me. And I bet occurances like that made me the person who I am today. I do not apologize who I am, because I am comfortable being me and I wouldn’t change it to anyone.

I love other people, men and women. And there are so many inspiring people on this planet like Destiny, Zhavia, Billie and CO’s. But I don’t want to be them. I want to be with them. And that is how we are creating this world in brand new way, with embracing and supporting others not tearing us down. And honestly, if you ask me, you can not tear anyone down, but yourself. So why wouldn’t we all just concentrate in our own path and be kind to one to another. Because in the end- me atleast, I want to be remembered as a person who was kind one to another but also was not afraid to impress her opinions.

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