trying to let go the perfectionist side of me

My dearest ones have always called me a perfectionist. I have never agreed on them, but maybe there might be some traits of that inside me. After saying that it is not surprise that I was somehow naive (and maybe still am) about how the world works. I somehow thought, that if you work hard and you are a good person by your heart you will get rewarded in life. Beside myself, I blame Disney on that.

I use to be the girl whom house was as clean as it would ever possible be, and I needed  clean things immediately. And when I say immediately I really mean it. If there was a one plate on my sink waiting for me while I was at work, that plate really bothered me 😀 Lately, I have decided that it is also accepted for me to be a human.

The same thing goes with my diet. I use to be super obsessive about eating healthy. I prepared always my own food and I knew exactly how much which meal had calories in. Lately, I have been eating a lot of other than broccoli and chicken and it has only had a positive impact on my life.

I needed always be the one who was most polite, a person who never bothered anyone, and more importanty didn’t cause any troubles. It often ended up by me being hurt financially, emotionally and happily wise. Now I know my own value and I add tax to it. It may close some doors, but it most certainly makes me a happier person.

I had to try to be the  best of everything I ever did. I tried my best in every area and I had to always be the one who tried most, and more importantly, worked harder. I thought I had to, because others somehow had this advantage in their genes when they were born in this world. And I needed to fix it by working harder than anyone else. I have lately understood that there has never been such an advantage.

Being chill about life came with me through experience when growing up. I was told a bit younger to be more rude, but nobody never showed me an example to do it so it was kind of hard. Often the words stuck into my throat and made me turn to myself. I think it has loads of do with my emphatic side. I am highly emphatic person to the extreme where seeing pain causes me more pain than experiencing it myself.

It feels silly now to think about. And sometimes it also makes me kinda wistful to understand that it took me so long to realize that. But nevertheless.
I learned that lesson.
And better late than not at all.

I love you.
Remember to defend yourself and your dearest ones when in need,

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