sometimes I feel like giving up but I just can’t it isn’t in my blood


YO !
as spoke here several times before my perception of this reality changed a lot during last Autumn. It had its impacts on everything I do and how I prioritize the things in my life.
It was a blessing, but a hurtful one.
Looking back to it now, I wouldn’t change anything.
I felt like I gain some superpower, and with every superpower there comes a great responsibility.
But mostly- nothing comes from free.
Facing your darkest demons wasn’t easy, and it is still not.
But oh god- how I have discovered that consuming my time by concentrating all the negative and bad things I have gone through my life won’t take me anywhere.
I am a wise girl, but sometimes it is not enough.
When you feel like breathing isn’t easy and you feel like alien in the context you are in you start to alienate.
It is a blessing to have a people around me who don’t let me sink in.
When melancholic-92 girl is signing up, there is people who make inside jokes about life and who hold me accountable of my eating, going to the gym, make me play games and kiss me and hold me while I sleep.
I bet eternity sounds like a dream if these people wouldn’t send me watsapp messages and memes.
Today, third day in the row I went around with my gym bag with me.
Somewhere in a taxi, in and between the main office and our conference center I decided I won’t go to the gym today either.
I did my things and went to buy some beauty things. I took a buss and then I thought,
why not.
So that was my next stop.
I went to the gym and made really intensive work out including;
* Jumping squats 3×8
*wall squat + blanking 3×6
*quick steps with stepper 3×24
*abs with plates10kg 3×12
*abs combination 5×20
*Single glute pushes 20kg 3×6+6
*hamstrings 30kg 3×6
*guads 40kg 3×6
Then I did a bit stretching and went to Sauna.
For that small moment I didn’t feel like I couldn’t stand my thoughts.
For that small moment everything was ok.
Not great, but ok.

And now I feel like I have took a dose of long lasting endorphines.

Gym has always been for me to place to escape, but doing with a certain goal to improve was motivating. When you find yourself being an adult and seeing things a bit differently (these two do not go hand in hand according to my research :D) you seek things that give you hea meel (Like we say in Estonia) for the easier places. And let’s be frank, that is how humans work.
Thus, when my perception changed about myself of being so much more than just my shell, I started to do the things I really crave and at the same time being best possible bikini condition all year lost its glory for me.

We want the best possible outcome with as less effort as possible.

And this was so hard for me to understand, because I come from North Finland, where the suicide rates are highest on whole planet.
Can you believe! Not only in Europe but in whole freaking globe.
We Finns, we like to suffer.
And that was how I was rised, to work hard and not smart.
Which is totally something I am not signing up anymore.

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